When the mushroom clouds appear, come crash at mine and bring your bike!

That's if you happen not to be laying down shots in Shanghai's only fallout-shelter bar this Halloween.

Yes, from the 'strange but true' files of my Shanghai life, my apartment complex does appear to have incorporated its own bomb shelters for its denizens in each building. I'm not 100% sure if this is accurate, but it does appear to be so. If not, people in our apartment complex really value their bicycles!

The functional apparatus of our shelters appear to be the real thing. Sequential lighting displays, big air-recycling looking things, heavy concrete doors with rubber seals, loudspeakers on some corners. Yes, it could be a scene of The Hatch taken from Lost, but without the retro 1970's furniture & record collection. In fact, the only decor consists of a large selection of our neighbour's push-bikes. And in all reality, I'm convinced that this area is only ever going to be a glorified bike shed forever more.

I had heard about Shanghai's mega-underground shelter quite a while ago via Shanghaiist, and part of me wonders if our complex is linked up to the heart of that subterranean beast wherever it may be located. If the worst does come to fruition, it could be possible that there is the potential for an underground community along the lines of Sly Stallone's movie, Demolition Man, but without the cool "fightin' The Man" theme.

There's an obsession with 'underground' things in Shanghai. Please don't confuse this with your local music aficionados beating their chests, but a loose collective consciousness that requires a cage of pure logic to harness. Failing to produce such a cage, I decided to build one based on ludicrous. Here's my idea. Persuade the Shanghai populous into adopting a Morlock lifestyle. It could be an easy sell. I believe the key attributes that indicate this predisposition for this already exists within a large portion of Shanghai's populous. Tapping into the Chinese obsession with minimising sun exposure will almost guarantee success. Sure, you'll be pasty coloured, but unfortunately you will develop a penchant for human flesh and sprouting blue hair on your body. A small inconvenience really. For most Shanghairen, we work in tiny, nearly windowless boxes so a shift into the underground lifestyle is the next natural move. See, life really is better underground. You also have your favourite fall-out shelter bar or Window's Jing'an Temple (I think I saw some Morlocks there previously but they disappeared after a few beers), you can enjoy crappy tourist bubble rides with your friends, or you can go shopping for our favourite fake goods via the fancy underground train. Life as a Shanghairen Morlock - it's already at your fingertips - go on, try it out for size.

But in all seriousness, in the event that the highly improbable occurs, please remember that even if you fail to make it in time to my place when the first couple of nukes from the DPRK/Iran/that pesky Taiwan/emerging power of Tuvalu arrive in SH, be comforted in knowledge that at least Lin & Tim's bicycles are safe from harm and that the mutant people from the future will have something to ride on amongst the rubble.

Reading this entry has made me realise that its time to end being TUB and to go out and find some proper employment and have a real life. Wish me luck.